Almost Always
by iamthepinkukulele
Summary: Snape and Lily went a bit further than they'd planned, and must deal with the repercussions. It will change them forever. Rated "M" for addressing a controversial issue.
1. That Night

Lily pretended to faint onto the library table. Severus smiled at her. God she was cute.

In her best Scarlett O' Hara accent, she said "Oh Severus, I just do not think I can go on anymore! I will die, I tell you just die if I have to go on studying this way!" She turned around grinned, and curtsied. "I'm wonderful with accents, no?"

"You are something else, Lily."

She sat down, folded her arms onto the table, and laid her head on top of them. "But seriously, Severus. I'm exhausted. We've been studying for our OWLS for hours." She giggled to herself. "Say that ten times fast!" She hiccuped. "OWLS for hours, OWLS for hours, OWLS for wours, howls for rours…" She laughed as though she had never heard herself say something quite so hilarious ever before.

Snape gave her a look over. "Lily?" She was hunched over in a belly laugh. "Lily, are you alright?"

"Haha shah shah ahem. Ahem. Yes, yes of course Snape. Hah. I'm fine." She tried to compose herself, but a small silver flask fell onto the floor. She picked it up and giggled. "Oops!"

Severus gave her a disapproving look. "Lily, what was that?"

"Ooh nothing." She snorted.

"Lily?"

"Yeeeeeeeees?"

"Was that a flask? Have you been drinking?"

She pursed her lips, then nodded. "Yes. Yes I have."

"God, you leave to get a few books and a snack and return like this. Lily…"

"I know, I know, I'm underage blah blah blah, but these OWLS are driving me up a wall, I can't stand it! I just needed a little something to take the edge off."

"That Potter boy is a bad influence on you… you never would have done this before you started hanging out with him."

"Oh shut-up, Severus." She rolled her eyes. "Here, try some. It's pumpkin flavored, your favorite." She handed him the flask across the table.

He sighed, twisted it open, lifted it to his lips and pretended to swallow it. Snape hated alcohol. The last thing he needed while he was studying was to be out of his mind, or even worse, around Lily… he really needed to be on his toes tonight. But, he didn't want her to think he was a stick-in-the-mud, so he just pretended to drink some.

He handed it back to her and smacked his lips. "Good stuff."

"There you are, Sev! Now you can just chill out a bit. Let your hair down, shake it off!" She started to shake her bright red hair.

"Ooh, Lily…" She was just being silly now.

"Ooooh, Lily. Ooooh, Severus…" She crossed her legs in the chair, and Snape returned to reading. She sat there for a few seconds, teetering from side to side, trying to decide what to do next.

"Hey, Sev?"

"Yes, Lily?"

"Oooooh!" She squealed with delight. "Say my name again!"

He laughed, confused. "Lily?"

"I just love the way you say my name!"

"Well everyone likes to hear their own name…"

"Sevy…" She batted her eyelashes at him.

Severus crossed his arms. What was she trying to do? She never acted like this when she was sober. This was a side of Lily that he rarely saw.

She stood up on the chair. "Sev?" She said sweetly, and started to twirl on top of the chair, causing her grey skirt to ruffle. "What do you think? Is this skirt too short?"

It was to her knees. "I mean, it's regulation."

"Right. Well…" She hiked it up a bit. "What about now?"

"I guess that's fine."

"What about…" She pulled it up so that it just barely covered her butt. "Now?" She twirled again and her skirt went up so that Severus could see Lily's light pink underwear.

"That's great." He smiled and shook his head. Seriously. What was going on? Severus had been dreaming of this kind of thing forever, but why was it happening _now_?

She kept spinning, and almost fell in the midst of it. Severus leapt up to catch her, but she got her balance back, started laughing hysterically and continued on spinning. Severus sat back down, and rolled his eyes.

"Lily, maybe you should get down, so you don't hurt yourself."

Lily just kept giggling, then stopped and gasped as though she had just had the largest epiphany of her life. "Let's do it!" she squealed.

"What?"

"Let's do it! Right here in the library!"

"Oh my Merlin, what are you talking about?"

"Let's do it in the library! It's so scandalous!"

"Exactly why we shouldn't-"

"You mean exactly why we _should_ do it." She leaned over the table and pushed a stray bit of jet black hair behind his ear. "C'mon, Sev. Haven't you ever thought about it?"

"Lily…"

"Oh, you said my name again!"

"Lily, we shouldn't… what if we get caught."

"Severus, I know you want to. I know you like me. You've liked me for a while now, haven't you? And no one has been in the library in hours." She bit her lip. "Well… then let's go." She smiled at him devilishly and raised her eyebrows.

"You're drunk, you're not yourself right now…" He started to turn away.

"Drunk words are sober thoughts." She said and winked at him.

"What has gotten into you?" He couldn't help but grin.

"Well soon… you." She laughed that laugh that made her scrunch up her nose, and then crawled across the table to him. She pulled his tie towards her, and kissed him passionately.

This was not like Lily at all. But what if this night made her see that they were meant to be together? Snape could not pass this up, so he gave in. They knocked all of the papers on the floor, all of the large books came down with a thump, and Lily began to tear off Severus's clothes. They made love on the table. Or, at least, one of them did.


	2. Always?

Lily had suspected it for a couple days, but decided the best thing to do would be to go to St. Mungos to find out for sure. This wasn't something she wanted to be uncertain about. She left with news that would forever change her life.

Severus of course was completely oblivious to the events about to unfurl. He was staying late in the potions lab, feverishly scratching notes into his book. He did this when he was stressed. Lily had been weird for the past few weeks, just totally avoiding him. She had continually stood him up for their dinner dates (which weren't so much dates as standing plans), and would always make up some excuse to slip into another room whenever Snape tried to catch her in the hall.

This of course was incredibly frustrating. He had been pining after Lily Evans since the day he met her, and after a night like that she won't talk to him? But he couldn't bring himself to be mad. She was the loveliest girl he had ever met. She had the most beautiful red hair, that was always lovely, even in the messy buns she sometimes donned when she was stressed. She had porcelain skin, and startlingly bright green eyes. They almost didn't look real. And she was incredibly kind. She was nice to everyone, and made it a point not to force any social situations on Severus, because he was so shy and quiet. She had a soft but strong voice, and she was always humming some old show tune under her breath… her muggle mother was a fan of Broadway. The whole concept of which mostly just confused Severus, but it sounded like a lovely song.

Most of all, Severus was different with her than anyone else. She made him a better person. Lily Evans was one of the only people who could make him smile and laugh. All the other girls seemed so vain, self-absorbed and dim. Lily was bright, gorgeous, understanding, and knew Severus inside and out. He really was in love with her. But he didn't know about her feelings. She was always very clear that they were just friends, but then what about last night? Drunk words were sober thoughts? What did that mean? Was she finally coming around? It seemed like strange timing, as lately Lily had been venting to him about this boy James Potter. She said he was always sort of making playful jabs at her, which Severus didn't understand. How could you be mean to Lily? Even playfully? But it seemed that she liked him… He just didn't get it.

Severus continued to scribble into his book, when he heard the door open.

"I have this room reserved." He bellowed, not looking up from his steaming cauldron.

From around the corner came a very meek-looking Lily. Her hair was over her face, her arms in a twist, and she was sort of just looking down at the floor. Something was terribly, terribly wrong. Lily never entered a room without a smile. This was not like her.

"Lily?" He walked over to her. "Lily, is everything okay?"

Suddenly, a waterfall of tears began to drip from her eyes. She leapt towards Severus with open arms and embraced him. She began to sob profusely. Shaking.

"Severus… it's just not fair." She clutched at his back.

Severus awkwardly hugged her in return. "What's wrong?"

"I just, I just can't believe it. Why? Why did this have to happen? I don't understand!" She began to claw into him a bit, but Snape just cringed and beared it. He stroked her back, attempting to comfort her, but knowing he was ill-equipped to do such a thing. He was never very talented at making others feel good.

Lily just wept and wept and wept, but eventually he pushed her slightly away from himself and handed her a handkerchief from his pocket. She blew into it loudly, and tried to catch her breath.

Severus grabbed a stool for Lily to sit on, and gestured for her to do so. She did, and he pulled up a chair next to her. She continued to whimperer a bit, her shoulders going up and down.

"You really must tell me what is going on." He pulled his chair even closer to her and grabbed her hands. "Lily, speak to me."

Lily looked at Snape with those big green eyes, but something in them was different. He would have sworn he could see fear dance across them, waving a dull flag over her irises. What could be going on in this little girl to make her so terribly sad?

She swallowed hard, and lifted her wet chin. "Severus, I've got something to tell you."

He tried to remain calm, and said with as little level change in his voice as he possibly could: "Go on."

She bit her bottom lip and started twisting her rings as she had always done when she was nervous. "Severus… do you remember that night in the library?"

He found himself grinning. "Of course."

"Well, I might be, I mean I am, because I went to St. Mungos…"

Snape rubbed her hands with his thumb, coaxing her to go on. She looked straight at him, with those eyes that went right through him. "I'm pregnant, Sev."

Snape gulped.

Lily started talking quickly. "And it's all because got drunk, and we were being stupid. None of this was supposed to happen, but we were intoxicated and silly and just… gah, why did I do that? Why did we let that stuff get to us?"

Lily waited for a response, and Snape considered thinking this through, but instead decided to let all of his thoughts out. "Lily, I know this is so far from the ideal situation, I know. But you are so wonderful, and I care so deeply about you, that… it's not really a bad thing." Severus had never mentioned to Lily, but he had had dreams where they conceived, and he decided right there that if they ever did, he would know exactly what to do.

Lily was stunned at his quick response. She let go of his hands and crossed her arms. "…Wha? What do you mean? Of course it's a bad thing! I'm a teen witch who is carrying the child of a man I'm not even engaged to marry."

Snape didn't want to upset her, so he tried to explain. "No but… we're best of friends Lily, and… I mean, there are so many worse things that could happen."

"What are you talking about?"

Snape sighed. "Lily, I care more about you than anyone else. And to think that you are carrying my child, my love for you just multiples."

"Oh, Sev…" She felt as though he stomach had dropped. Those words were _h e a v y_.

"But Severus, we were drunk. We conceived while we were out of it, we didn't mean for this to happen."

He didn't say anything. He didn't want her to think he had been lying, that he was a stick-in-the-mud.

Seeing that he wasn't speaking, Lily continued on. "Severus, I would have to drop out of school, my education would be all for nothing. I haven't even finished my fifth year, I wouldn't be able to get a job anywhere decent. And how do you think my parents would react? Your parents? I mean, we're so young, how are we supposed to raise a child? I'm not ready to have a baby!"

"I know it will be tough, but you're so strong. And I will be there every step of the way. You… you can finish off the semester, and then go home for a bit, or get a place to stay nearby. We could get a little house off campus, and we could raise our little family there. I have money saved up from working in the summer, we're better off than you think."

She shook her head. "Severus…"

"Lily," He breathed deeply, fighting back his own tears. He lifted his hand to her face, and softly traced from her ear to her chin. Fighting the urge to kiss her. "I love you in ways I cannot even explain. The idea of you and I being connected by a child is the most wonderful thing I can think of." He laughed, and put his hand down, still trying not to cry. "Just imagining a baby with your eyes… it leaves me weak in the knees to be honest."

Lily gulped. "Severus, you don't understand. I don't think I'm strong enough. People will say things. I'll blow up like a balloon. And boys will never look at me the same."

Severus kept back the response he so wanted to say. That he would love her no matter what. Large, small, strong, weak. But instead he just said "I will always be there for your child. I shan't let any harm ever come to them or you. That will be my mission, and I am fully devoted to it." He smiled, tears beginning to swell in his eyes. "And Lily, you are strong enough. If a boy looks at you any differently, he is just a boy. A real man will stand by you. I will stand by you."

Lily knew then that Severus's feelings were significantly stronger than hers. She loved Severus, but not in the way that he loved her. Still… it was the kind of love that she so desperately needed at a time like this. She was very young, and all she wanted was to be loved by someone. And why not Severus? He was so smart, and was always looking out for Lily's best interests. He wasn't incredibly affectionate, but maybe he'd learn to be. Maybe this baby could bring him out of his shell. Maybe this baby could change everything, maybe even cause Lily to return Severus's feelings? And how lovely would that be? A little baby for Lily to moon over, for her to dress and coo at. Lily loved children. And although she was bright, she knew that at the end of the day, what she really wanted was to be a mother. So maybe she was getting to it a bit early, no matter.

"Why do you always know just what to say?"

Snape smiled through his tears. "Lily, we can do this."

"Really?" Lily waited for his response. Feeling as though Severus held the answer, as if he held Lily's world on a string and could turn it ether which way.

"Yes. Nothing would make me happier than to go through this with you. Lily, with our genes together, we would make the most tremendous child imaginable. I will not let you down with this. I will be there every single step of the way." He put his hand on her thigh. "I will put your shoes on you when you can't see your feet, I will hold your hair back when you're sick, I'll go to Honeydukes when you're craving chocolate frogs." She put his hand on top of his. "But most of all, I will love this child, and it's mother forever."

Lily finally let out a smile. "Why do you always know just what to say?"

"Because I care far too much to let you cry."

Lily bit her lip reluctantly. "And you'll be there for me?" Lily put out her pinky. "Always?"

Snape smiled. "Lily, we're almost adults, and you want to pinky swear?"

"Come on." She nodded toward her hand. "You've never broken a pinky swear before."

He curled his pinky around hers. "Always."


	3. Mistake

Lily couldn't believe she was here. But she had spent the last few days up late, bawling her eyes out. This was not okay. _None_ of this was okay. That's why she was here. Severus had helped her to try to justify her stupid actions, because he was a good friend that way… But that's all he could ever be, a friend. And she couldn't have a friend help her raise a baby, she needed a husband. She deserved that, and so did a baby.

This realization hadn't come all at once, not by any means. She had left that night in the potions room feeling like everything was going to be just fine, but as soon as she got back to her room, she knew otherwise. It seemed from there, everything had slowly begun to fall down. She just kept replaying the life she wanted in her head, and saw there was no room for a baby. Not now. She didn't want to disappoint her parents, her teachers, but most especially, herself.

She had been struggling with the decision for days, and had been trying to avoid Severus, because as much as she cared about him, this was her body, her choice. She didn't want his feelings to affect her decision. Maybe that wasn't fair. Well, none of this was fair… Lily had been a virgin that night, and she was so uneducated. Hogwarts didn't offer sex ed, and she had hung out with goody-two-shoes her whole life. She didn't know where babies came from until she was 13, so the idea of condoms, birth control, sex spells and the like, eluded her for the most part. She was so naive. _So_ naive.

But she knew that she was at least being smart about this. Before she'd gotten to the clinic, her mom had called to tell her that he father had lost his job. There was no way they could support a baby, and Lily wouldn't be able to get a decent enough job to afford daycare for when she _was_ working. Her mother had been a young Mum, but she had at least graduated. She always said that Lily was the best thing to ever happen to her, but that Lily should try to wait so that she can experience more, see more, feel more; that way when the time came, she wouldn't just be a better witch, but a better mother. This sentiment had echoed in her brain for hours at a time, and Lily didn't feel like she would be a very good mother right now. She would always resent the child for taking away her future. God, that was awful.

And so after going back and forth forever, she'd finally decided that an abortion was the only route she could take and feel okay about. Even if she'd given the baby up for adoption, she still would have had to leave Hogwarts for shame of her protruding stomach. This was the only way. No one ever had to know about that night. She had been drunk, Severus had been drinking… they weren't thinking clearly. That night… it was a mistake for both of them. He must have known that. He must have known that this was all a mistake. The night where Lily let very old feelings return. She'd had a crush on Severus growing up, but once she got to be older, she realized they could never be more than friends, even if he wanted something else. She was regretful to have let Sev think otherwise, but keeping this baby would make him think that even further, and it wasn't fair to lie to him like that. Lily would not allow herself to live a lie. This would be the hardest thing she'd ever have to do, but she was going to do it. They had made a mistake. They got drunk and hooked up. Severus had to have realized that. He was probably saying all of those lovely things the other just to be a good guy, just so Lily wouldn't feel so badly. He couldn't possibly have meant everything he said. He'd never said them before, so it must have just been his attempt to comfort her. He was such a good friend. But after all that, telling him none of it was going to happen? Maybe he would be relieved? Still, she didn't want to tell him after she had made such a big deal about it…

She sat up straight in the clinic's uncomfortable chairs with her book bag perched on her lap. She always carried her book bag with her, it had all of her muggle money, wizard money, books, even her pet rat on occasion. She clicked her heels together as she waited for her name to be called. She watched as a woman picked up a magazine from the coffee table in the middle of the room. She looked over all of the magazines, with strange names. _Seventeen, Cosmopolitan, Vogue_. They were just random adjectives. They appeared to be similar to newspapers, but with a lot more pictures and glossy. She looked over the words on the covers. Sentences like "How to lost 10 pounds in 10 days!", "How to get him to notice you - today!" and "Find your PERFECT jeans!"

_Is this _really_ what Muggles worry about_? She thought to herself.

Clearly this reading material was a bit silly and more suited for Muggles. So Lily reached in her bag and took out her large Herbology book. She went to open it, and a note fell onto the floor. She looked around the room to see if anyone had noticed, and leaned down to grab it. She unfolded the paper, and began to read:

_Hey Evans ~ You seemed a bit off lately, so I thought I'd just leave a little note in your book… Just to let you know that, you're kind of awesome. I mean, not as awesome as me, but still pretty great. You have so much ahead of you, so don't let whatever is getting you down drag it off. And I don't know, if you wanted, maybe we could go to the Yuleball together? That is, if you weren't busy or anything… If you are, I'm sure I could easily find another date, but, I doubt they would be able to carry on a witty conversation quite like you, Lil. I guess I'll talk to you soon._

_- James Potter_

Lily smiled big. James was always joking around and poking fun at her, but she knew that he was just flirting. He didn't really flirt with any other girls, though they were often flirting with him. It seemed like he really liked him, and although she wouldn't admit it, she _really_ liked him too. He wouldn't have bothered sneaking the note in her school book if he didn't care. His words were sweet, and oddly comforting in this moment.

She subconsciously put her hand on her stomach. If you hadn't known Lily, you wouldn't have thought anything of it. It looked as though she'd had a large lunch. She was only about 10 weeks along, but she could feel the difference. Her stomach protruded from her lithe frame in the slightest little way, giving her abdomen a tiny curve. Luckily, as it was winter, her little belly was well hidden under layers.

"Lily Evans?" called a woman from the open door in the corner of the room.

Lily put her book back in her bag, stuffed the note in her pocket, and walked to her fate. Her heart pounded in her ears, and she morbidly realized that she'd be leaving with one less heart beat. _Here we go…_

**_*Note: I am neither condemning nor promoting abortion. This was just a story, and does not reflect any sort of views that I may or may not have. No hate mail, please. It's just the way I felt the story needed to be told*_**


	4. It's Over

Lily sat on a wooden bench outside of the Library, covered in shadow. Snape saw her from across the hall, and was relieved. He ran towards her.

"Lily." Snape sat next to her, but she looked away from him. "Lily, how are you feeling? Do you need me to brew anything for you? I was reading in the library about these potions that can help with morning-"

She started to shift away from him awkwardly. "I'm fine, Sev. I'm going to be fine."

"Oh, well I suppose that's good. I'm glad you're feeling well." He ran his fingers through his hair… a habit he picked up whenever he was around Lily.

"Yes." She still wouldn't look at him, her eyes were on the floor.

Severus tried to think of something to say, and offered: "So, how was your weekend? I didn't see you around the castle."

"Uh, yeah. I went… home for a bit." She began spinning the silver ring on her pointer finger.

"Oh, that's nice. Did you… did you tell your parents?" He cocked his head to the side and outward, trying to get Lily to look him in the eyes.

"Um, no." She bit her bottom lip and shifted her eyes to the ceiling.

"Right, well I suppose you probably want me there when you do that, huh?" He smiled at her. She finally looked at him, and smiled weakly back. He started to put his hand on Lily's stomach. "And how's our little-"

Lily jumped up quickly and began to walk away. "I… I took care of it, Sev."

Suddenly Severus was incredibly confused. "What?" He ran after Lily, and grabbed her arm roughly. "Lily, what did you do?"

"Let go of me!" She pushed him away and started walking away again.

"You "took care of it"?" He trailed after her.

"I had a change of heart." She didn't even turn her head towards him.

"What?" He stopped walking.

Lily also stopped and turned around to face him. "I mean, we're so young, and I think we were really just romanticizing the whole thing. It was never going to work, we were being naive. But now we don't have to worry about it…" Her eyes returned to the ground.

"What does that _mean_, Lily?"

"I went to the muggle world, and…" She started to tear up a bit, but gulped back her sadness. "I got an abortion."

Severus felt as though his heart had shattered, and stood in awe.

Lily prattled on, "It's quite common there, no one suspected anything. I'm fine, you're fine, we don't have to worry about this whole thing anymore. The nightmare is over." She started to leave towards another corridor.

Snape began to yell. "Oh, I'm so sorry I caused such a nightmare for you! I thought that you were okay with this, I thought _we_ were okay with this."

She stopped again and stomped toward Severus. "Severus, there is no us! There is just me. That night was an accident, it never should have happened!" She was just inches from his face now, and fuming.

He shook his head in disbelief. "How could you say that?"

"I was drunk, you knew that. We were both drunk and we did something stupid."

Snape looked straight at her. "Lily, I wasn't drunk."

"Wha…" She backed away. "What do you mean?"

"Lily, I thought…"

"Oh, Severus…" She put her hands over her mouth, embarrassed.

"No, no I understand." He began to briskly walk away from her, his cloak trailing behind him.

Lily ran after him. "Severus, you are the most wonderful wizard I know, but I would never want to ruin our friendship by-"

"Just leave me alone, Lily."

She grabbed onto his shoulder. "Severus please just listen to me-"

Severus turned swiftly and hit her arm from off his shoulder. "Leave me alone, you awful Mudblood!" The words echoed through the empty halls.


	5. Epilogue: Snape's Letter to Lily

_Dearest Lily,_

_I know I write these letters all of the time, and that they will never get to you… but I write them anyway, because I need to. I met your son today. You have no idea how painful that was. It lead me to wonder what our baby would have looked like. He has your eyes, Lily. But of course you know that._

_This boy, he seems so like his father. And I know that no matter what color his eyes are, I will always begrudge him. He is the reason you are dead. If we had had our child, gotten married, the prophecy would have never been told. It wouldn't have applied to a child of yours. You would still be here with me. Of course I don't blame you, but if you had just stayed with me, stayed with our child… Oh Lily, the thought of what could have happened haunts me to no end._

_I heard that song on the radio recently. The one you used to hum. I recognized it almost instantly, but I had never heard the words. "Let the sun shine, let the sunshine in." It was a nice message, but I'll always prefer your voice humming it over any choir of voices. I like to think that you sent the song to me, to remind me to that it's okay to be happy. That is nearly impossible now, but I'd want to pretend you're somehow looking out for me, despite everything that happened between us._

_I still love you, sweet Lily. And I hope that wherever you are, they appreciate you as much as I did. And I keep my word - I will protect a child of yours. Even if he is not mine. Always._

_~ Severus_


End file.
